What do I want?
More important than who I want to be with is who I want to be. The same characteristics of the person I want to be with apply to who I want to be, but I think this is a more positive way to state it. I want to be honest, communicative, healthy, balanced, creative, spirited, grounded, patient, positive, playful, adventurous, a friend, a lover, a partner, a goddess, a part of a community and family, making a positive contribution to the world (this is an occasionally overwhelming one – because there are so many things I would like to see changed and I am only one person – it is important for me to remember that all I can do is the best I can do and then hope that others will be inspired and stretch a little farther than they have because they see that it is possible). I want to laugh, smile, live simply, share, grow, stretch, change, enjoy life. (I’m sure I’m forgetting a few things.) I want to embrace my spirit, empowering myself and others along the way.
I want to take care of my self (this is a huge part of being healthy). I married myself when I was 16 because I noticed that I had a tendency to put caring for others before caring for myself. I needed to learn to nurture my own Self first, to learn to listen, own and honor my own needs, thoughts, feelings, body and spirit. (This may sound a little selfish, but when I take care of myself I have more to give to others, so everyone wins.) Plus, no one else can know what it is that I want and get that for me – that is solely my responsibility. Likewise, it is the sole responsibility of anyone else to know what it is that they want and take steps to get it. I cannot make anyone else happy, no one else can make me happy. Two people can be happy together, but that is easier when they are happy on their own first. So, I want to be with someone who is happy on their own. (nice transition, no?) I want to be with someone who helps me be a better person, that supports me in being more of the things I want to be and whom I inspire to do and be braver than they were before.
Another important question is “What don’t I want?” I don’t want to let myself be taken for granted again – because that is one of the worst feelings. I don’t want to be with someone who quits communicating. I don’t want to be with or have someone be with me out of obligation, because they said “forever” or “til death do us part.” I feel that ignores the fact that people do change and outgrow each other. This doesn’t mean that people can’t be together happily for a lifetime, but I want it to be a conscious choice to be together and not an obligation, a burden. Likewise, not being together/ending the relationship is not something I take lightly, it is a last resort. If done too early it is an “easier way out” because it precludes looking at our personal challenges and bypassing opportunities for growth (sometimes we’re not ready for the change, and that’s ok.) There’s probably a positive way to state all of this but I haven’t gotten there yet.
I want to be with someone who is willing to commit to figuring out with me the next right thing to do and think about a few more right things to do in the future. It’s not necessary to have all the answers (very hard for me to not have all the answers). It’s not necessary to know that we can be together “forever,” but wanting to work towards that is important… and risky. Life involves taking risk (i’m fairly risk averse.) But without risk, there is no growth, there is no change, and if I’m not becoming a better person, there’s not much point. (Resting and reflecting to process change is important, necessary to learning.) A relationship is a great risk, but that is also where I have learned the most so far.